ENGLISH JOKES

The Checkup
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn`t been feeling well and wants to find out if he`s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I`m afraid I have some bad news. You`re dying and you don`t have much time, " the doctor says.
"Oh no, that`s terrible. How long have I got? " The man asks.
"10. . . " Says the doctor.
"10? 10 What? Months? Weeks? What?! " He asks desperately.
"10. . . 9. . . 8. . . 7. . . "

Marriage
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
-- Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
-- Son : "I will choose my own bride".
-- Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates`s daughter. "
-- Son : "Well, in that case. . . "
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
-- Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter. "
-- Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry. "
-- Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank. "
-- Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case. . . "
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
-- Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "
-- President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need. "
-- Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates`s son-in-law. "
-- President: "Ah, in that case. . . . . "

This is how business is done!

The Accident
The woman arrives at the hospital and asks:
-- I am John`s wife, he suffered an accident. How is he?
-- Well, from the waist down he didn`t suffer a scratch.
-- What a relief. And from the waist up?
-- I can`t say. They haven`t brought that part in yet.

World of Idiots
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year - old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other`s head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film`s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50, 000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, Dc, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He`s lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn`t telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking, " stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.